Saturday, April 5, 2008

List-less

I have had a lot brewing in my mind...I know I am somewhat of a basket case with my gazillion projects on the go but there is a lot going on in my head besides that.

You are just lucky you only have to read this. Well, you don't even have to do that. But if you had to listen to me speak it would go something like this.
"Hey you know that guy, whatcha-mcall, dude, face, hair, man, you know...that guy."

Ya, I am that bad.
Typing is good. I can stop and think and not sound so dumb.  It all comes back to my thinking in pictures not words.
Anyway...

I don't mean to bore you so if you like you can go ahead and skip the reading and get on with the photos. This post is going to be really rambly. Another work it out of my head as I type post. Sorry. This one is more for me. I am trying to sort my thoughts out and over the last two days have yet to make any progress.
Do you have a life list?
I have noticed that a lot of people have a post dedicated to one or even a few side blogs set aside for that purpose. This seems to be a big thing right now, I even heard it referred to as a movement...even Oprah did a show on this....apparently. I never saw it, but you know...word on the street....or in the salon.
This idea has not really tickled my fancy and I don't know why. Maybe I am to distracted and don't think I have the time to sit and come up with a list.

Now I am thinking again...let's deal with the pic's and then I will get into it.
The treat of the day. Yesterday Kaitlyn once again was bribed to pee in the potty. This has only happened one other time in the last two weeks and it was a pretty good bribe that time too.
She seems to know when she needs to go and it happens in nearly the same moment. Yesterday she actually made it from the living room to her potty down the hall for this little Laura Secord duck. She was so proud.
After breakfast we headed out to the park with a packed lunch and bread for the geese. I am not sure if this is a good idea or not but have enjoyed feeding them since I was a kid.
Kaitlyn chased them down and was so thrilled  to see her first beloved " deese" of the year.
They seemed shy at first but once we threw them a few crumbs they came and checked us out.
Ethan was not interested in sharing his lunch and just ran around avoiding them.


Can you spot the goose above?
Before we left Kaitlyn dug in the stroller for 'Suzy baby' and ran over to the geese. "Look Suzy, deese. Mommy she likes deese."
On the way home it started to snow hail. I don't know what else to call it. It wasn't ice but hard packed little snow balls. They stung a little and sent the kids running for the "forest." (three spruce trees)

The afternoon was spent piddling in the yard and street and alley. It was a damp cool day but not bone chilling. I am just glad the melt is on!
I was trying a few settings on my camera and after one shot with the self timer Kaitlyn decided to take one too.
Nice boots.

Crafts for the day didn't happen till the evening. Here is Em's creation. Kaitlyn's is a beautiful display of beads strewn over the table and floor.
Oh....were you waiting for this. Here is the new do. I forgot to take a photo last night after the salon so this is what it looked like when I woke up. It isn't even brushed.
I went in asking for a few streaks to break it up and with the intentions of growing it out. My stylist told me that would be  normal and boring and I am not a normal person.
Oh?
OK.
I asked what made me different. He said my creative streak. He said that if I had normal hair I wouldn't like it and it just wasn't me. He said he had a pretty good grasp on who I am and went to town.
I like it.
Guess he knows me better than I do. 
This brings me back to my life list issue.......ok, more on that in a bit.
Something I have been busy with lately is dabbling with jewelry making. I used to love doing gold work but now with no wax and furnace and gold access I had to come up with a new idea.
Clay. I have a few thins on the go for my future etsy shop...it is getting close to opening day...soon, very soon it will happen.
My mom is rather tea obsessed and claimed these two right away. She has her eye on another but I might make her wait till the shop is open.
Emily claimed a little bird. She love birdies. Blue ones.
Now that wraps up the photos...back to the list. 
 I do not have a life list, not 100 or 1001 things written to check off as I go along. It is not that I don't have goals. I have mini lists, reminders of who I need to write cards to, paint pictures for and of course the groceries.  I have dreams of living exotic places and traveling the world. I dream of living on an acreage and having a huge garden and a laundry line. Does this deserve a list?
It is not realistic. If I had that acreage I would probably want the city...the isolation in the winter would drive me batty I am sure.
I guess it all comes down to not knowing what I really want. Dave finds this extremely frustrating. I hate winter and being cold yet when we discuss moving somewhere warm I get anxious and worry about missing family. I get frustrated with our house and so does Dave so we go looking at other homes and then I get all freaked out and just want to go home and not think about it.
 Am I happy here?
Is it more spirituality I am lacking?
I am never settled. I feel like I have a good relationship with God but can never settle into a church. The politics drive me crazy, there are so many issues every where we have gone and no matter where we end up it would be a compromise. So what do you choose to compromise on?

Do I just feel lost in mommyhood?
Like the world is passing my by?
 I  know that the job that I have raising these little ones is the most important right now, will this feeling pass when the are older and I can do more of my own thing again?
This is what my dream was. To be a stay at home mommy, dedicating myself to my family.
Why do I feel so listless then?

I wonder if I was living in my ideal dream if I would  be any happier. In this dream we would live in the hills looking over the ocean off the coast of southern France. I would have a huge open art studio on the second floor of our chalet and it would have huge arched stone window openings to let in the salty air. I would retreat there in the warm afternoons and as the sunlight filters through  the lattice trim and sheer drapes making patterns on the floor I would paint. The breeze blowing through and birds singing, children happily painting my warm tile floor. I feel freedom in this dream. This is one of my happy places.

All our family would be there.  All the Grandparents and Greats and cousins would be in the community. I miss our family in Calgary and Edmonton desperately. I think of them every day and wish we were just around the corner from them all. 
I think about how short life is and how I want to make the most of it. How do I do this really?
  Do we move around the world for a few months or a year just for the experience?

I just don't know. I have so many questions and feel so lost in it all. Would a list help when I am so distracted and spontaneous
I just want to feel settled and I don't. I try to live in the moment and maybe this is not helping either. Anyway...I don't feel like this has taken me any further with figuring out what I want.

I guess what it comes down to is this. If I had a list would I still live spontaneously or would I pursue what I wrote and miss out on a lot of random fun?
Or would it help me figure out what I really want out of life?
The problem is that I am forever changing and growing (or so I'd like to think) and I think my list would have to be scraped and rewritten weekly.

So, do you have a list?
Has it helped you in any way?
Are you a settled person and thrive in knowing what you want out of life and pursuing it and checking it off tick by tick?
I really want to know...am I the only one swimming in list-less limbo?


15 comments:

mamatucci said...

I dont have a list,more dreams I think. Cause if i try to have a list,I change my mind so many times. I miss our family in BC, but was I really happy when I was there. All I wanted to do was move away.
I feel lonely sometimes and then other I am so glad for the peace and not worrying about the people pleasing. That I think I used to always do. So maybe it is being a sahm, cause we have more time to ponder.
I think all moms do.You are not alone. Maybe its winter brain,the sun will help!

Hannah said...

Firstly, I have to say that I just love your new hairdo! So funky. And I think your hairdresser is right about you needing something extra special and different. :-)

Onto the question. I definitely love a good list (I am a list Queen!), but I have to say I don't really have a life-list. I just try to live my life according to the purpose God has for me - and no, I don't always feel like I know exactly what that is!! Many times I wonder if I'm on the right path or if I should take a little side road, but sooner or later I'll get some confirmation that this is where I should be. Feeling comfortable in your own skin, in your own life, with your immediately family (hubby & kids), those things are the things that keep me moving along, aiming high and being okay with barely making things tick. For me, it's life - raw and unedited, but it's my life. I guess feeling okay with that and coming to terms with some feelings of insecurity or "what if?" from time to time are just part of the whole motherhood role. It's not easy to find the exact niche where you fit completely and feel fulfilled in every way. Take it as it comes, and enjoy the little moments (as you do so well).

Kami said...

I don't have a list Anna, but I do have dreams. I think that it's too hard to have a concrete list because life is not concrete and neither are we.

It's easy to get swooped away in all this and it will only make us crazy. We are raising our kids right now and that is the single most important thing we can do. However, we are human, and being human means always looking for more...even when we don't even know what the more is.

Dreams are what are important, and sometimes, not writing them down or cementing them in any way is the best way. Because dreams, they don't always come true in exactly the way we plan.

HUGS!

Madame Bluestocking said...

I do have a list, and it has been a big help. Like you, I have so many dreams (I would move with you to the South of France my dear) but also change my mind so many times and waver about how to achieve them. The list has been sort of a way to focus my mind, not to force me to make decisions about the bigger things, but to follow through with some of the smaller things and get me trained, in a way, to believe that I can achieve things. Each time I check something off, no matter how small it is, I feel a little less scattered and a little more 'useful' in the grand scheme of things. I haven't included moving within day-trip distance of the Mediterranean or going to design school because those aren't things I'm sure I can make (or want to make)happen; however, including things like traveling more and sewing more dresses gives me the incentive to move in that direction and see where I can go from there. The 101 in 1001 takes a long time, but you can always do a shorter version. Try 10 in 100 and see how you like it.

cc said...

Love the new "do" it really is great. And the charms are adorable, I can't wait for your store to open.

As far as the what do I want? I don't have a clue, really. But this is what I can think of now.

1. Husband who loves me, and isn't a great big jerk. Check
2. Kids who are happy and healthy. Check
3. A cat and a dog. Check, even though the dog isn't ours
4. Go back to school
5. Get my teaching credentials
6. Teach at the girls school
7. Move to Montana
8. Have my own "new" truck, new to me at least.
9. Learn to quilt.
10. Be a better mom, never to be checked off, just something to strive for.
11. Be close to my family. Mostly checked, there are a few I'm not close to, but I would like to be.

I think my list is pretty boring, your ideal place is much more creative than mine. Maybe one year you can have your "happy place" for a summer. That would an adventure for all of you.

THETHINKINGSQUARE said...

Do what makes you happy, your life is full you should live it and enjoy.

It's been a long winter.

herM said...

your 'do is great, and i suspect most perfect for you. looks awesome! as for lists and dreams and listlessness ... you are SO not alone! i have a partial list (forced homework when taking coach training!) and just writing helped me think about what i really wanted. i haven't looked at it in ages, and don't feel the need to. it made me realize how badly I wanted to spend time with my grandma who's getting older, stretch my abilities in things like running, and do lots of simple but whimsical things. i have a dream too, which involves a hand-built stone house in the southish-east us, on wooded hills, with some acreage for farming and cattle. a refuge. my 'dream i'll never likely taste' involves a stone house with open courtyard in southern spain :) close enough to visit?! but the fact that my family is in the us means i don't really want to go that far away just to have views and breeze and great cheese. i WOULD be lonely. i get lonely in nyc for crying out loud! the need to be rooted is huge, and i think the most important one. the internal rooting, whether it's your relationship to god, your hubby, or your feeling of identity as a mom and a woman. i'm being forced to think of some of those things while my husband is away. this is your blog, not mine :) so I'll stop. but i do SO feel your dilemma!

BeachMama said...

You are so not alone. I used to have a list. I am not sure where it even is anymore, but I had one. I think I have accomplished a few things from that list. It was one of those before I am 40 things (You have a few more years to go than I do so not to worry). Even with my lists or plans, I feel lost sometimes. Other times it all comes together and I wonder why I was all muddled up. You will figure it out. Maybe just writing this post helped you out even.

I love your hair! It looks great. And I love your new jewlery, very, very cute. You do have that talent I tell ya.

Now, I am off to tick of another item from my to-do list of today while I make a cup of tea.

Karen MEG said...

Anna, your hair REALLY suits you! What a great job the stylist did - you hip mama!

I go through stages like yours in waves. I think when you hit different phases of your life it is very natural to take stock and wonder where it is all leading, and especially so once you have children.

I make grocery lists, but not an overall life plan on a list, per se. I suppose it would help; when I was younger and before kids, I had certain ambitions, and was fortunate enough to have achieved pretty much what I had set out to do up until then. The difficulty in having children was a major life challenge for me (well, us); and after we became parents, I think my outlook on life changed somewhat. It just had to.

I think some of your listlessness may come from the very long winter, being a very busy mom of two young children, with very little time to think about yourself. It's hard to know what to think when you finally get a chance to focus on YOU for a change!

For me, I find I try NOT to think too much!

MJ said...

I don't have a list. I'm trying to make a list but keep forgetting or get side-tracked.

I recall having the same sort of feelings of listlessness and frustration that you speak of about 1 year ago. Working part-time helped me as I needed extra stimulus and adult contact. Being at home FT with two toddlers takes a lot of energy!

Glenda - Minnesota said...

Oh... you're such a thinker girl! You'll have to let me know when you find the answer. I find I just have to take life a day at a time and enjoy, thanking God for all of my blessings and asking for guidance along the way Ü

Catharine said...

I love your new hair-do and the necklace charms you are making....SO CUTE! What a long post - it must have taken you ages to type! To answer your "list" question, I do not have a life list. I often have little "to do" lists floating around to remind me of little things that need to get done. As far as a life list goes, I will stick to a one-liner I once heard..."If you want to make God laugh, tell him YOUR plans!" Not that God doesn't want us to make plans, but I really feel the need to trust Him more and listen and follow His lead...He has much better plans for my life than I do!

Elaine A. said...

First of all, that birdie necklace is absolutely the cutest!!

Secondly, you are not the only Mommy who has these myriad of feelings. I am so happy to stay at home with my boys but some days I do wonder what else is in store. All I can do is have faith that God has a plan for me and I hope that I can recognize when he moves me in the next direction!

Shalet said...

Popped over here from another site. These thoughts of yours sound oh so familiar. I'm in the mid-life blues and also don't really know what to do. I have a list, in my head, but it's vague. Travel, learn a foreign language, learn piano, write a book. Nothing seems tangible.

Your jewlery and cupcakes are awesome, as is your new do. I wish for you satisfaction in the talent and things you already possess. *hugs*

Marita said...

Hi Anna,
I know you left this post a while ago, and maybe you've moved on from your listlesness, but I am going to leave a comment anyway. I feel like I have no idea what to do, and I of course I have things I want to do, dreams. But the way I see it, is that my life is not mine, it's Gods and he can do whatever he wants with it because in the end, what else matters except the big man upstairs.
love your photoshop pics, i really need to figure out that program. ttyl