List-less

I have had a lot brewing in my mind...I know I am somewhat of a basket case with my gazillion projects on the go but there is a lot going on in my head besides that.

You are just lucky you only have to read this. Well, you don't even have to do that. But if you had to listen to me speak it would go something like this.

"Hey you know that guy, whatcha-mcall, dude, face, hair, man, you know...that guy."

Ya, I am that bad.

Typing is good. I can stop and think and not sound so dumb.  It all comes back to my thinking in pictures not words.

Anyway...

I don't mean to bore you so if you like you can go ahead and skip the reading and get on with the photos. This post is going to be really rambly. Another work it out of my head as I type post. Sorry. This one is more for me. I am trying to sort my thoughts out and over the last two days have yet to make any progress.

Do you have a life list?

I have noticed that a lot of people have a post dedicated to one or even a few side blogs set aside for that purpose. This seems to be a big thing right now, I even heard it referred to as a movement...even Oprah did a show on this....apparently. I never saw it, but you know...word on the street....or in the salon.

This idea has not really tickled my fancy and I don't know why. Maybe I am to distracted and don't think I have the time to sit and come up with a list.

Now I am thinking again...let's deal with the pic's and then I will get into it.

The treat of the day. Yesterday Kaitlyn once again was bribed to pee in the potty. This has only happened one other time in the last two weeks and it was a pretty good bribe that time too.

She seems to know when she needs to go and it happens in nearly the same moment. Yesterday she actually made it from the living room to her potty down the hall for this little Laura Secord duck. She was so proud.
After breakfast we headed out to the park with a packed lunch and bread for the geese. I am not sure if this is a good idea or not but have enjoyed feeding them since I was a kid.

Kaitlyn chased them down and was so thrilled  to see her first beloved " deese" of the year.

They seemed shy at first but once we threw them a few crumbs they came and checked us out.

Ethan was not interested in sharing his lunch and just ran around avoiding them.

Can you spot the goose above?

Before we left Kaitlyn dug in the stroller for 'Suzy baby' and ran over to the geese. "Look Suzy, deese. Mommy she likes deese."
On the way home it started to snow hail. I don't know what else to call it. It wasn't ice but hard packed little snow balls. They stung a little and sent the kids running for the "forest." (three spruce trees)

The afternoon was spent piddling in the yard and street and alley. It was a damp cool day but not bone chilling. I am just glad the melt is on!
I was trying a few settings on my camera and after one shot with the self timer Kaitlyn decided to take one too.

Nice boots.

Crafts for the day didn't happen till the evening. Here is Em's creation. Kaitlyn's is a beautiful display of beads strewn over the table and floor.
Oh....were you waiting for this. Here is the new do. I forgot to take a photo last night after the salon so this is what it looked like when I woke up. It isn't even brushed.

I went in asking for a few streaks to break it up and with the intentions of growing it out. My stylist told me that would be  normal and boring and I am not a normal person.

Oh?

OK.

I asked what made me different. He said my creative streak. He said that if I had normal hair I wouldn't like it and it just wasn't me. He said he had a pretty good grasp on who I am and went to town.

I like it.

Guess he knows me better than I do. 
This brings me back to my life list issue.......ok, more on that in a bit.
Something I have been busy with lately is dabbling with jewelry making. I used to love doing gold work but now with no wax and furnace and gold access I had to come up with a new idea.

Clay. I have a few thins on the go for my future etsy shop...it is getting close to opening day...soon, very soon it will happen.
My mom is rather tea obsessed and claimed these two right away. She has her eye on another but I might make her wait till the shop is open.

Emily claimed a little bird. She love birdies. Blue ones.

Now that wraps up the photos...back to the list. 

 I do not have a life list, not 100 or 1001 things written to check off as I go along. It is not that I don't have goals. I have mini lists, reminders of who I need to write cards to, paint pictures for and of course the groceries.  I have dreams of living exotic places and traveling the world. I dream of living on an acreage and having a huge garden and a laundry line. Does this deserve a list?

It is not realistic. If I had that acreage I would probably want the city...the isolation in the winter would drive me batty I am sure.

I guess it all comes down to not knowing what I really want. Dave finds this extremely frustrating. I hate winter and being cold yet when we discuss moving somewhere warm I get anxious and worry about missing family. I get frustrated with our house and so does Dave so we go looking at other homes and then I get all freaked out and just want to go home and not think about it.

 Am I happy here?

Is it more spirituality I am lacking?

I am never settled. I feel like I have a good relationship with God but can never settle into a church. The politics drive me crazy, there are so many issues every where we have gone and no matter where we end up it would be a compromise. So what do you choose to compromise on?

Do I just feel lost in mommyhood?

Like the world is passing my by?

 I  know that the job that I have raising these little ones is the most important right now, will this feeling pass when the are older and I can do more of my own thing again?

This is what my dream was. To be a stay at home mommy, dedicating myself to my family.

Why do I feel so listless then?

I wonder if I was living in my ideal dream if I would  be any happier. In this dream we would live in the hills looking over the ocean off the coast of southern France. I would have a huge open art studio on the second floor of our chalet and it would have huge arched stone window openings to let in the salty air. I would retreat there in the warm afternoons and as the sunlight filters through  the lattice trim and sheer drapes making patterns on the floor I would paint. The breeze blowing through and birds singing, children happily painting my warm tile floor. I feel freedom in this dream. This is one of my happy places.

All our family would be there.  All the Grandparents and Greats and cousins would be in the community. I miss our family in Calgary and Edmonton desperately. I think of them every day and wish we were just around the corner from them all. 

I think about how short life is and how I want to make the most of it. How do I do this really?

  Do we move around the world for a few months or a year just for the experience?

I just don't know. I have so many questions and feel so lost in it all. Would a list help when I am so distracted and spontaneous. 

I just want to feel settled and I don't. I try to live in the moment and maybe this is not helping either. Anyway...I don't feel like this has taken me any further with figuring out what I want.

I guess what it comes down to is this. If I had a list would I still live spontaneously or would I pursue what I wrote and miss out on a lot of random fun?

Or would it help me figure out what I really want out of life?

The problem is that I am forever changing and growing (or so I'd like to think) and I think my list would have to be scraped and rewritten weekly.

So, do you have a list?

Has it helped you in any way?

Are you a settled person and thrive in knowing what you want out of life and pursuing it and checking it off tick by tick?

I really want to know...am I the only one swimming in list-less limbo?