Sunday, September 27, 2009


Sometimes I am inspired.
Inspired by what others write. In books, on blogs, and random clips in papers or magazines I read things that get me going. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree, sometimes it gives me something to think about and sometimes I want to write because of what I read.

Recently I have read a few friends blogs and realized that they were all writing things that I have been dealing with myself. Things that I haven't been facing well and so I have decided to try and get it out now.

I seem to be at a pretty low point right now. I don't want to talk about it but I am trying to face and deal with where I am so I want to talk about it at the same time.
I don't think I have depression. I have been there before. Not caring at all about a single thing. Feeling nothing. Wanting to feel anything but not having the energy to care.
I do feel, I do care, a lot, I am just tired, really, really, tired.

So tired. I can cry. Any time. A lot. I want to do so much but don't want to move at the same time.

I was just reading a friends blog and she was talking about her relationship a little and I realized that I could have written what she wrote.
I feel stupid sharing this but at the same time it is going on here.

I am annoyed. Annoyed with Dave and with the kids and with family and everyone. I actually planed on getting mad at Dave the other day when I could only blame myself.
I had the whole morning to get out the door for the kids field trip and dilly dallied the hours away. By the time it was time to leave I remembered that the truck was out of gas and that I needed money to pay for the field trip. We were down to the wire getting out the door and Kaitlyn kept changing outfits over and over. Then I had to change a diaper and find shoes and pack the snack and find a clean bottle to put water in and next thing you know we were going to be late if we didn't leave RIGHT NOW!!

I was already planning the call in my head to Dave, "You know I had this trip planned, why didn't you gas up the truck, why didn't you get me money, you know how hard it is for me to get out the door and get everyone buckled up and, and, and....."

And then I went to grab my keys from the key bowl and saw that there was a 20 dollar bill tucked in with my keys and a some change for a coffee.
I started to feel bad.
I went out to the truck with the kids and put the key in the ignition. The gas tank was full. I started to cry.
It was my own stupid fault that I was rushing last minute, loosing my cool and pushing to get out the door THIS MINUTE!
I could have planned ahead and had time to spare and just been pleasantly surprised by Dave's thoughtfulness.
Now I felt like an idiot and had to call and thank him over and over and then had the whole drive out to the country to think about how I let things go in my head.

I get annoyed with him over anything. Like the garbage can getting full. It's not his fault yet I am annoyed with him. What is wrong with me?!
I can take out the garbage. I have two legs!

I get annoyed with the kids and them wanting to sit on my lap when I just want to be in my own head or doodling in a sketch book and I don't want to be bumped.

I am thankful that I do have rational thoughts and catch myself in these moments for the most part, not all the time but I do know what I am doing. Then I get mad at myself. I want to just love and cuddle all the time, but I don't want to and sometimes I want to be alone and then when I am I want to not be alone and be with them all the time and.......I just don't understand myself!!

So anyway, I drove out to the pumpkin patch thinking about how stupid I am in my head and vowing to not be so stupid and wishing I could just figure out how to be more positive.

I do love it when the kids have fun. I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for them. Well I wouldn't have been invited since it was organized by and for home schoolers but you know what I am saying. I would rather stay in bed with a notebook all day than go out to the pumpkin patch.

Then when I really think about it I don't know why I would want to stay in bed. I would miss a lot of photo ops and giggles and fresh air and crunching of fall leaves.

But I almost need toothpicks to prop my eye lids open through it all. For the last month at least I have felt almost nauseous with exhaustion.
You ask then why the heck am I sitting up here at midnight typing when I could be cashing in on that much needed sleep?
Well I do need time to get this head stuff out. Also Ethan is sick and up every few minutes wanting water. Poor little guy had a mild fever since last night and it finally broke this afternoon but has left him cranky and tired. Fighting something he is.

Anyway, I did want to have a good time and put on a good face and chased the kids around.

Sent them off on a ride and then hung out in the kiddy coral until some of their (and my) friends arrived.

Then off we went to plod through the corn maze.
I hate mazes. But somehow I end up doing them every year.
I am quite glad to follow along in the background and leave the fun up to everyone else.
Maybe I would find it fun if I wasn't so tired but all I wanted to do was sit in the shade and not think and not get my flip flops all muddy and my back all sore from carrying a baby.

I never told a soul. I hope they forgive me when and if they read this.

Because I did still have fun. Really. Taking a few pictures. This always makes me happy.
And talking with a few friends. Even though I find that when my mind is elsewhere I tend to blab on about who knows what and don't really follow much of what is going on around me.
It is a wonder some day that I have friends. I must be so annoying!
However at the same time I find friends even if they don't say much and I don't either to be like a good medicine. Like silent comfort just cause they are there.

My poor kids. I wish I could just get out of my head and focus already! I want to get in their heads and know what they are thinking about and not be so distracted!

I am glad I have photos to look back on, it keeps it real for me.

Though I think too about how easy it would have been to just post these pictures and say something along the lines of ....what a wonderful beautiful sunny perfect fall day we spent at the pumpkin patch. Because really it was!

And at the time was into it, I thought, until I look back over the whole week, month, year.

Somehow I find a way to be there and in the moments sort of. It is something I strive for but in my head I am also a million miles away. It is like there is the front part of my head that talks and sees and functions normally and then there is this dark little back room in my head where all this chaos goes on behind the scenes.

I try to close the door on the dark little room and just have fun and I think I really do have fun but sometimes the door swings open and I have to fight it with all my might to get it shut again.

Having kids often forces me to push that dark door closed. They just know how to cheer and brighten a day no matter what. Their skin is so soft and so kissable. However even as I am smooching them endlessly I still find my brain drifting off to daydream about a new kitchen or something dumb like that and I have to snap back into the moment.

I tend to avoid what I know I need to do around the house by finding fun things to do even if my mind isn't in it. I focus a LOT on fun.

These kids, they bring me to my knees shaking in sobs as I put them to bed. I feel as though I am failing them so bad.
Just this past week in my new moms Bible study group the leader brought up how we as moms are always hard on ourselves and never give ourselves credit enough.
I don't think I am too hard on myself at all. I let myself get away with way too much.
I have been talking a lot about the state of my house and how I need to get it in order lately and this is only part of it.
I cry because I want to be better. I want to teach the kids more about Jesus. I want them to see Him in my life. I want them to see order and peace. I want them to see routine and stability.
I cry because I fear that all they see is the opposite.
I don't hug and kiss my husband enough.
I don't make good healthy suppers enough.
I don't sing enough or laugh enough or wash the floors has been months. Seriously.
It is this bad.
I don't just feel like I am failing as a wife and mother and friend. I know I am.
I am vowing to change this. As I clean the house bit by bit it is as if I am picking up the pieces.
Geting back the better wife and mom.

I have vowed to put the energy into friendships once again too. I miss having close friends. Ones who I can have fun with and call in the middle of the night if I need too. I miss going out for pretty coffee with girlfriends.

Putting energy into friendships is hard. You have to grow them. Invest time and space in your head. It is hard yet so rewarding.

I am trying. It is a process.
It really helps to have children who beg to see their friends and want go to the park to fly kites.

So we did. I am glad. Not that I was great company with my thoughts in my head in the dark little room at the back but I am trying to keep that door closed.
Live in the moments.
I felt bad leaving the house but I hadn't been in it all day anyway. This is how it goes. I sat outside watching the kids play for hours and doodled. I am so good at finding distractions.

Art has become one of those distractions.

I don't know now if I want anyone to read or comment on this. Maybe I have said too much although I know I am only showing the scratches on the surface. I hate all the deep stuff going on in me right now. When I look around things seem fine. When I close my eyes they aren't.
I feel anxious with all I think I need to do. The list is so long.

I am so tired.

When I play and hug and kiss my kids sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions. I love them so much it breaks my heart that I can let myself be so distracted by my own thoughts. None bad, don't worry there, they are just stupid thoughts, like....."that shadow looks so cool , I wonder if I used such and such colours and this size of canvas if I could recreate that and that reflection there, oooo, that would be cool in a painting...''.
I swear! I think of the most useless junk while my kids are babbling out the most adorable stories and then I snap back to present and realized that I missed the part where the frog got kissed by the princess and he is already a prince again!

Anyway, after all this I don't want you to be freaking out. We do have a lot of fun and I do have great moments and sometimes great days. It just seems that they are way better when there is consistantly great sleep and well it has now been 4 1/2 years since that has happened.

I am a little loopy.

And I know I think way too much too and maybe if I didn't I would be better off, who knows.
I don't know what else to say.
I guess I'll leave it here for now and go to bed.
Seems like a lousy ending but I am zonked and am fading.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sulking in the sun

the ultimate sulk

I just found this in the archives. A post unposted because something else came up.

A face we have been seeing a lot of. Seems to be a part of the four year old stage going on around here. Every mood is in the extremes. So sad.

Ahh, the life of a four year old.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Summer memories

I was just cruising back over my last few posts and realized that I missed posting most of summer. Well I knew I wasn't around and all but I also forgot about a lot of photos. So Nana, this is for you! Also for my blog to book. I want to sit back someday and review so these need to get in there.

These are photos from the last month or so and are completely random moments and have no connections from one to the next for the most part. They really are just moments or things I want to store away in my brain and are my visual cues to those memories.

So here are a few things I want to remember about our summer.

New shoes for me but worn more so far by Kaitlyn.

Evening strolls.

Play time in the dirt.

Visits with friends.

Berry picking as the sun set with Dave.

Wild grass in the breeze.

Berry picking some more.

With Aunt Deb and my mom.

Watching Kaitlyn and Ethan get in on the picking. 1/2 Saskatoon berries, 1/2 choke cherry.

Saskatoon sundays, deep fried mushrooms and Greek wings at D's Place.
The fry shack that deserves to get on TV for its daily cut fresh fries, fresh home made pizza's and amazing chili anything. Mmmm!

Getting fresh produce from the market gardens.

And taking in the scenery of the valley on the way to the lake.

Checked out the Folk Festival.

Sat with friends.

Hung out with our kids.

Did some shopping.

Watched some art in progress.

Ate snow cones.

Visited little friends.

And old friends. Not 'old' old, but you know long time old.

Hit the splash park in style.

And cooled off in the froggy pool.

Watched my bro's paint our house. This reminds me that we still owe them $!

Sat in mud puddles.

Watched the flowers bloom. Late. August.

Got a little guitar. As soon as Kaitlyn got it home she opened the box in front of her, struck a few cords and sang. "Put your money in my box!!"
She then requested that we head down town so she could make "lots" of money.

Had canvas come in that was on back order for two months.
Got the order out.

Snuggled the babe on cool days. Thank you mamatucci for the delicious little outfit!

Spent evenings at the beach in search of my sanity.

I always find it there.

Think maybe I should just live there already?!

Did a little educational touristy stuff. Visited the old trading post. Preserved in the dog sled days era.

Hung out listening to the birds.

And just being.

Played ball with friends and family.

Enjoyed being together.

And apparently hanging out tongues. Notice it is only my siblings doing it. Interesting.

Goofed off.

Loved a little.

Enjoyed the outdoors.

And siting around.

Celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary and drawing on the walls.

Caught Kaitlyn out taking the Gnome and a few pairs of shoes for a walk.

Stole a smile.

Soaked up the sun over many naps on the picnic table.

Painted something for myself.

Loved it.

Painted something random. (for sale)

36" x 36" each.

Bathed Hudsy in the tubsy.
Dude is big!!!
(And I loooooooove it!)

Took naps in the hammock.

And under the trees.

Played in the sand.

Painted in the shade.

Nibbled little toes.

Had picnics with Great Grands.

My Grands, but my kids Greats.

Hung out with aunties and cousins and sisters,

uncles, brothers and more cousins.

Stopped out of the blue at random parks to play.

Baked in the heat.

And went back to the beach.

Doodled and daydreamed by the lake.

Came back to the city and did laundry.

Went to church.

Had convictions set in.

Working on living those convictions and making commitments to them.

Took sunset strolls.

With my Hudson on my chest.
Loving every stinking moment with this baby!

Got the old point and shoot back. Can you tell? (Sorry for the crappy shots!)

Enjoyed flowers.
Didn't enjoy the bugs in our house though.

Saw the flowers start to change.
Fall is coming.

Took goofy picture's of Hudson. He's cool with it.

Hung out on my parents new deck at the lake.

Dealt with 4 year old logic and arguments.

Lounged around in quiet.

Shared special moments.

Cherished them and locked them away some place special.

Made faces at the neighbours cat.

These photo's really hit on the highlights.
There were low points too and we are still dealing with some.
Hitting the deer in July ended up doing the truck in and we had to buy a newer one.
Then there are my issues. I know I sound like a broken record when I talk about the house and getting it clean. I have been saying this since we had kids, ok, since before we had kids.
I am cluttered in my head and it spills over into real life.
This has become a huge issue. The kids are cranky and Dave is snappy and I am anxious when the house is such a mess. When it is clean the kids play better, are calmer and happier. Dave comes home and is happier and relaxed and I am cheerful. I feel that I am failing my family, myself, and God. I cannot serve or entertain or anything like this. It is pathetic.
So I am resolving to change. I don't know how but I am sitting down and creating a strategy.
If I am going to do this homeschool thing I have to get my act together.
Not only that I want my kids to have peace in their lives not chaos.

I need to change.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent there, dang cluttered brain!
So back to the post!
These are a few of the moments that I wanted to remember from the last month.

Back to regular programming soon.