Distractions and motherhood

I am always having huge battles in my head. Wether it is about marriage, friends and how to treat situations or trying to figure out the balance between all the things I want to do and being a mom that is tuned in.

There is always something to keep me up at night and distracted.

Sometimes I wish I could crawl into my own head with a huge filing cabinet....like the ones in that movie with Jennifer Aniston and that funny guy who acts like God. I don't remember what is was called but you know the one, it had the filing cabinets that had drawers that pulled out and stretched for miles it seemed.

Anyway I wish I could just climb into my head with one  of those and organize all my thoughts and file them away so I could forget about them and in a few years when I have time go back and deal with them then.

Not a reality but it is fun to dream.

Oh, there I go distracting myself again with silly daydreams rather than focusing on all the real stuff.

Yesterday while I was out I saw on my phone that people were tweeting about the Oprah show and an appearance by the famous blogger Douce. 

So when I got home I thought I would check it out.

I am sure a ton of you saw it so you already know it was about motherhood and all the misconceptions and expectations we put on ourselves.

I really did understand some of what the women on the show were saying and some of it blew me away.

I do struggle with this whole motherhood thing. Sure it was something I wanted really bad and I love these kids more than anything. 

But I also do expect more of myself all the time. I sometimes go days without a shower and am too tired to pay any attention to my husband. Sometimes I feel like my boobs are tired old  feeding machines and not a sexual attachment of mine. 

(This next baby is soooo going to know what a bottle is as well as the boob)

 

I let the kids watch TV when I want to do my own thing and I don't feel like breaking up squabbles over toys and then feel guilty for not growing their little brains instead. 

Sometimes I am just too selfish and too wiped. 

And then I have this huge vision in my head of the prefect household, completely organized and fine tuned. In this vision we thrive and live in blissful harmony as everything works like a well oiled wheel. We do crafts and play and do schoolbooks and bake and cook and clean while floating on clouds with dreamy happy glowing faces.

Why do I do this?

I am a fly by the seat of my pants, spur of the moment person. This vision really doesn't fit at all!

We have the most fun when we go with the flow and do what we want when we want rather than follow a strict schedule. This is not good on the house however and keeps me from getting a lot of things done that I wish I could.

This also really plays into my thoughts and worries about homeschooling.

After a visit with a friend yesterday I am thinking more about homeschooling. (the first year or two  anyway) This is a tough one for me. I grew up in the public system, home school system and then also the private system. 

I hated homeschooling the most.

Of course I want to keep my kids at home forever and protect them but that is what I felt that my parents were doing when I was homeschooled and therefor I felt blindsided when I went back to the public system. I hated that.

So trying to figure out what suits each child better is what I want to do. I was a social kid, a quiet one but I thrived on the competition that a classroom full of kids provided.

I want to play it year by year and reevaluate all the time.

Both of our kids are background kids.  And I wonder if they would get the attention they need in a huge classroom. 

In a small class they do fine. Still they get bored if there is little structure. They really like going from one organized activity to the next.

As a kid I wanted to be a teacher and when I had Emily and Phil here for a month and got to teach them I loved it.

Then there was the craft class I taught last fall. I loved the prep work and loved the teaching. 

I know that if we homeschooled I would go crazy with all the fun stuff. 

Of course I like the idea of not being bound to a schedule and being able to do spur of the moment trips and outings.

But then I wonder if I just want to do it for me or for them. Would we ever get to the actual schooling part?

What is best for their little personality types?

What about the selfish non mom things I want to do ALL the time?

What about showering every day without interruptions?

Would I be able to be organized enough to school at home and still do my art?

Would I get lost in it and become resentful or would I love it...does it even matter what I want?

Ack, I just want to file it all and forget it!

Maybe I will go have a bath and get the kids to dump the water on my hair to wash the bubbles out and then make silly party masks.

On with the distractions!!