Beneath it all

The last few posts have been the happy fluffy surface news kind. And yes I needed to get a few like that out because underneath it all I have been up and down and kinda all over the place.

Adjusting to three kids is hitting me hard. I just feel like there is just not enough time and not enough me to go around.

Kinda like we are all missing out because I just cannot stretch that far.

A burden I am sure I am just putting on myself but this is just what I do.

Oh we have fun, play games and go for walks but where I am noticing it is with the kids while Dave is at work.

When Kaitlyn wants me to play Barbies I am nursing Hudson. 

When Ethan wants me to play trucks I am nursing Hudson.

They want to color or do puzzles with me and I am nursing or changing a diaper.

They want to paint and craft and I just want to sit down and have a coffee already. 

Then when I do manage to lay down on the bed to sing and tickle or play a game or go outside and play house Hudson fusses or poops.

Sometimes I  feel kind of lost in all this and then I realize that I haven't had a shower for three days and want to cry.

What about me?

What about Dave?

What about that coffee I poured three hours ago and left somewhere?

Poor Dave, he needs me, I need him, we want each other and by the time we have time for each other one of us is nodding off and has to be prodded awake just for a few moments together.

Doing things for myself is hard. 

Right now I am stealing moments.

The weather is garbage today, the kids are watching a little people video and Hudson is napping on the chair beside me.

This feels really good but at the same time I can think of 8 other things I want to be able to do at this moment.

I wish I was an octopus!

I know it is only a matter of time. I am being selfish. I do know that this is a brief stage in life but sometimes it is hard not to get caught up in it.

I do get time to myself, Dave is good at making sure of this.

I need to have time to paint. We count on the extra income this brings in and Dave gives me breaks when I have orders to fill.

And it is time I need. It feels so good to paint. It is a fantastic stress relief.

It is time that I get to just be and it is rejuvenating.

However last week I had a few weird days.

Days that came after nights with very little sleep. One day I was so happy, I was sappily in love with my kids, not that I am not always in love with them but that day I was weepily giddy over them.

The next day I was weepy again but for no reason. It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get a thing done and it would drive me to tears. The kids were pretty good all day but around 4 they were tired and cranky and I wished they had taken naps.

After a little running around they started to fight over the door nob. 

The door nob!

They both wanted to hang off it and open and close the door. 

I was so fried in my head I didn't know what to do that wouldn't involve me breaking down and sobbing so rather than work out a rational plan to deal with it I ordered them into the truck, grabbed Hudson and his car seat and headed straight out for a calming drive and a nice long break at a playground. 

I did find my sanity there as I watched the kids giggle and screech as they flew down the slides and play ice cream seller and customer under the play structure.

I am so madly in love with these little people that I can barely stand a moment without them in the same room as me but at the same time sometimes I just need a time out!

Sometimes I just want to sit down and sew something or paint something or doodle something or photoshop something or bake or glue stuff or do my hair or make up or stir up a fresh jug of juice already, or, wait, what about that coffee!

Then I get a lump in my throat and gaze at the kids. Nothing else matters right now. I'll shower when Dave gets home...or tomorrow or some other week. (not really but you know what I mean. I would totally stink and probably itch and that would just not be attractive!)

Oh don't get me wrong. I know I have to take care of me and nurture me to be a good parent to them. I cannot get lost in them and forget about me but I also cannot forget about them and get lost in me. The balancing part is the part I just never get!

Didn't get it with one, didn't get it with two and for sure don't have it with three.

I still shower and shave and all that good stuff though, really, I don't want you guys to not visit or anything, I kinda thrive on that!

It's not every day that I feel lost and out of sorts though. It's the day that I don't get enough sleep the night before, feel like crap all day, get nothing done and then crash early with the kids. Those days I don't get a moment for me or Dave and then I start feeling like I am failing this while mother and wife thing miserably.

Then I wake up the next morning and realize that Dave stayed up until 2 in the morning doing the dishes and sweeping and cleaning just so that the next day is better.

And it always it.

That is when I want to cry because I am married to the most amazing guy ever and he carries all the burdens and makes sure this family works. He pulls his weight and mine and I more often than not forget to thank him. 

I think I'll let the kids keep watching videos this afternoon and make him a stinkin amazing dinner. Not sure if this is balancing but I figure if I made the time to scrub the sheets yesterday  and paint plaster houses with the kids this morning that he can get dinner tonight.

Does that even work?

Life will tell I suppose.