Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Beneath it all

The last few posts have been the happy fluffy surface news kind. And yes I needed to get a few like that out because underneath it all I have been up and down and kinda all over the place.
Adjusting to three kids is hitting me hard. I just feel like there is just not enough time and not enough me to go around.
Kinda like we are all missing out because I just cannot stretch that far.
A burden I am sure I am just putting on myself but this is just what I do.

Oh we have fun, play games and go for walks but where I am noticing it is with the kids while Dave is at work.
When Kaitlyn wants me to play Barbies I am nursing Hudson. 
When Ethan wants me to play trucks I am nursing Hudson.
They want to color or do puzzles with me and I am nursing or changing a diaper.
They want to paint and craft and I just want to sit down and have a coffee already. 
Then when I do manage to lay down on the bed to sing and tickle or play a game or go outside and play house Hudson fusses or poops.
Sometimes I  feel kind of lost in all this and then I realize that I haven't had a shower for three days and want to cry.
What about me?
What about Dave?
What about that coffee I poured three hours ago and left somewhere?

Poor Dave, he needs me, I need him, we want each other and by the time we have time for each other one of us is nodding off and has to be prodded awake just for a few moments together.

Doing things for myself is hard. 
Right now I am stealing moments.
The weather is garbage today, the kids are watching a little people video and Hudson is napping on the chair beside me.
This feels really good but at the same time I can think of 8 other things I want to be able to do at this moment.

I wish I was an octopus!

I know it is only a matter of time. I am being selfish. I do know that this is a brief stage in life but sometimes it is hard not to get caught up in it.

I do get time to myself, Dave is good at making sure of this.
I need to have time to paint. We count on the extra income this brings in and Dave gives me breaks when I have orders to fill.
And it is time I need. It feels so good to paint. It is a fantastic stress relief.
It is time that I get to just be and it is rejuvenating.

However last week I had a few weird days.
Days that came after nights with very little sleep. One day I was so happy, I was sappily in love with my kids, not that I am not always in love with them but that day I was weepily giddy over them.
The next day I was weepy again but for no reason. It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get a thing done and it would drive me to tears. The kids were pretty good all day but around 4 they were tired and cranky and I wished they had taken naps.
After a little running around they started to fight over the door nob. 
The door nob!
They both wanted to hang off it and open and close the door. 
I was so fried in my head I didn't know what to do that wouldn't involve me breaking down and sobbing so rather than work out a rational plan to deal with it I ordered them into the truck, grabbed Hudson and his car seat and headed straight out for a calming drive and a nice long break at a playground. 

I did find my sanity there as I watched the kids giggle and screech as they flew down the slides and play ice cream seller and customer under the play structure.

I am so madly in love with these little people that I can barely stand a moment without them in the same room as me but at the same time sometimes I just need a time out!

Sometimes I just want to sit down and sew something or paint something or doodle something or photoshop something or bake or glue stuff or do my hair or make up or stir up a fresh jug of juice already, or, wait, what about that coffee!

Then I get a lump in my throat and gaze at the kids. Nothing else matters right now. I'll shower when Dave gets home...or tomorrow or some other week. (not really but you know what I mean. I would totally stink and probably itch and that would just not be attractive!)

Oh don't get me wrong. I know I have to take care of me and nurture me to be a good parent to them. I cannot get lost in them and forget about me but I also cannot forget about them and get lost in me. The balancing part is the part I just never get!
Didn't get it with one, didn't get it with two and for sure don't have it with three.
I still shower and shave and all that good stuff though, really, I don't want you guys to not visit or anything, I kinda thrive on that!

It's not every day that I feel lost and out of sorts though. It's the day that I don't get enough sleep the night before, feel like crap all day, get nothing done and then crash early with the kids. Those days I don't get a moment for me or Dave and then I start feeling like I am failing this while mother and wife thing miserably.
Then I wake up the next morning and realize that Dave stayed up until 2 in the morning doing the dishes and sweeping and cleaning just so that the next day is better.
And it always it.
That is when I want to cry because I am married to the most amazing guy ever and he carries all the burdens and makes sure this family works. He pulls his weight and mine and I more often than not forget to thank him. 

I think I'll let the kids keep watching videos this afternoon and make him a stinkin amazing dinner. Not sure if this is balancing but I figure if I made the time to scrub the sheets yesterday  and paint plaster houses with the kids this morning that he can get dinner tonight.

Does that even work?

Life will tell I suppose.


Glenda said...

Priorities, priorities darlin' - you can't do everything and be everything to everybody that you once were and that is an adjustment for everyone!!

You're a wonderful Mommy and your kids will adjust - you are with them all day everyday and they are young - they will be just fine!

BUT...when it comes to Dave??? Please, please incorporate "date night" you both have to and need time to yourselves (yes Hudson might have to come with you for awhile) but it is sooo important that you get that time to "keep" your relationship and communication in tact - it will get lost if you don't!! Even if you go and sit in some nice quiet little place for a couple of hours - you don't need to spend any money you just need the time alone to talk!!

Praying for you as this was one of the hardest (and still is) adjustments in my life and believe me is it waaaay harder to have to go back and make up for lost time!!

Kori said...

Anna banana, I am emailing you a lengthy reply, I hope it is okay. Love you.

bethany actually said...

I love you Anna, and am praying for you. :-) I hope knowing that helps a little!

You will find the balance eventually, and then things will change and you'll shift to accommodate again and again...that is the secret, I think. There really isn't any such thing as a magical formula for balance in life. You have to constantly figure it out, day by day, moment by moment.

Also, I *love* that photo of SASSY Kaitlyn with the lawnmower. It made me laugh out loud!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I felt the exact same way when Kamden came along...and that was only with two kids. I think feeling overwhelmed is normal and also partly due to the hormones.

Hang in there, you are an amazing mother and wife, you will come out of this victorious!

Elaine A. said...

I'm sure you are a little overwhelmed but you are handling it just as to be expected and pretty darn well if you ask me.

I TOTALLY understand the feeling of wanting to do something for yourself and just not having even a moment to do so and it's about to get crazier for me too when #3 gets here!

Hang in there and I'm sending hugs and prayers along... : )

ispeakbeanish said...

Oh, Honey. Congratulations! You're human!

Seriously, you are so right when you said this is a season in life. It also has TONS to do with the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. It will get better. I promise.

That aside, I've decided that I will never get things done exactly as I want them to be, but that that is just the way it is. There will always be things that I don't get to do or do as well as I want or attempt and make a magnificent failure of. So, I remind myself (more successfully at sometimes than at others) to focus on what I do get right or manage to pull off and to enjoy where my mix-ups and attempts at living life get us. I still have my days, but I'm finding more and more that it truly is okay.

I always remember my mom telling me that "you never really know what you're doing. You just keep doing what you think you're supposed to." That's been so reassuring when I wonder when I'll have it all together.

I'm trying to enjoy my ride here on this planet. I hope yours eases up some soon.


Anonymous said...

Hi Anna and David,
This is a tough time! When you look back at your life you will forget the tough times and remember the joy that family brings into your life. I agree with a couple of your friends that you need to have a date night! it will not only make you appreciate each other but it will help the children appreciate you! You are great parents and your children will remember that! Take some time for you! with David!
I wait for the time that I will be able to spend more time with you. You, David and the kids are always in my thoughts..Take care..
Lots of love,

Gayle said...

Anna, it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. Don't be hard on yourself. Things change so quickly and it won't be this way forever. Every stage you just do the best you can, and I know that Dave and the kids know that you are filled with love for them!

MJ said...

Sleep deprivation and hormones ~ what a nasty combo! Hang in there, Anna!

R Royal Family said...

Be gentle on your self. I remember feeling the same way.

BTW Hudson is adorable. I was thinking about you the other day when we were at the beach, we go out almost every weekend we should try and hook up for a play at the beach.

Kiki said...

This is normal. Your baby is still brand new! Don't be so down on yourself. I didn't feel like I was "handeling" things until baby was around 8 wks old. I promise, this too shall pass!And everyone will find their place in all this.

Loukia said...

I'm sure it is very overwhelming, taking care of 3 children, having a new baby to look after, running a household, and looking after your 2 older children... I know you'll be okay! I have a hard time taking care of my two - but there is so much joy on a daily basis, it's worth it, you know?

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