Reflecting and contemplating...and a load of questions

This post was meant to be a tribute post. But it evolved. I spill some of my guts so be warned this is a heavy one.

I have actually been putting off publishing it for ten days, here goes. I edited it a little but it is still really muddled.

Dave's Grandma passed away over the holidays and we went out to AB for the funeral. Hearing the stories of her life made me think about my life and hope that only someday I can be as outgoing and loving and accepting and supportive as she.

She was truly an amazing woman.

She lived a full life to the age of 90 and was so strong. She was always up to something and her practical jokes were loved by all. But then her resolve to always go on no matter what the circumstance has left me reflecting on life.

 What is the meaning of life?

Should we even ask this?

Is there a defined meaning?

Why do some give up?

Is there a different meaning for every person? Or does it change with the stages of life?

Or is there one meaning for all people?

What are we to strive for?

How are we really to live?

 I am a people watcher and am fascinated and puzzled all at the same time by all the different things I see.

I learned this in psychology class and it has always stuck with me and has often made me sit back and just reflect and watch.

Who really has it all together?

Does anyone or are we just good actors?

Is the answer to be a good person, help others and not harm the environment too much?

Or is the meaning of life to serve and glorify God?

According to a few books that is the most common answer.

This would put a religious spin on the whole thing and depend on how you view God.

You might write me off as a religious freak now but I want to get this out. If you don't come back again I understand but this is a part of who I am.

I grew up in a Christian home and this is something that I think about in cycles.

If the meaning to life is to glorify and serve God then I know we all fail but we can always strive.

On that note here is what I struggle with.

My religious struggle.

I see these "meeting" and church people who are so happy. They seem to have a great marriage, lots of friends who believe the same as them, nice homes and jobs. They travel with the same groups of friends to conferences and out for fun. I see this in church after church and often wonder why I have never felt like I fit into a group like this. I have always felt like the rebel and had to fake my way around them. I would say nice things and pretend I was like them while inside I was saying "if they only knew the real me, they wouldn't even look my way let alone say hi."

But...there is always a but....I can see it in some of their eyes. Things are not all that they make them out to be.  Some are fakers too or really struggle to fit in. There are cracks in the marriage, little bickers that are destroying bit by bit. Resentment building and gnawing. Condescending tones from a husband, unloving words from a wife.  Children with problems or work issues. Too much legalism and not enough love and grace.  Teens who struggle with grey areas and where to draw the line and then how to balance life and church and school.

Whether it is over secret indulgent temptations or an empty void inside, there is something just not quite right.

Sometimes for no reason at all. They feel like everything is in place but still, something is missing.

However it is never discussed. We try to sweep it under the carpet and pretend and go on as if everything is rosy. We show up at church with a smile and say that everything is fine. Inside we are dying just a little every time we speak. We lie to cover and hope it just goes away.  We try to pray or study it away and hope that time fixes it. No one needs to know....we shouldn't have this problem anyway. Our faith should be stronger right?

Ha!

What about living in an imperfect world and being sinful creatures?

What about the Bible talking about us living in a sad troubled world and us not having true joy until heaven?

Why do we strive so hard to get it now?

Is living in a bubble pleasing God or is it being real and raw that pleases Him?

When I see these people who seem to have it all together, the great relationships, both with God and people I am envious but at the same time feel as though they have lost touch with the real world.  They say that looking to Christ is all that matters, everything will fall into place. OK.

Can they really have a testimony to people who struggle with addictions, relationships, doubt, fears and pain?

How can they when they have elevated themselves so high and created such a prefect little bubble for themselves?

What if the bubble burst? What if reality crashed in on them....then what? Or does it ever crash in?

What about balance?

What if their church and family split up and they ended up on the outside? The side where no one calls to say 'hi' and if they do it is with an air of accusation and judgment and a sad 'I feel sorry for you' tone.

Something similar t this happened in my family, some still struggle with the feelings of being shunned and cast out. However once on the outside I found that I felt released. Like a huge burden was lifted. No more being fake, I could pursue a relationship with God on a much clearer level, a realistic level. No more human judgment, no more legalism, just grace and love.

I felt closer and more authentic, more raw and grounded.

In the last 8 years I have been to more churches than I can count. All have good and bad and that is fine, there is no perfect place. What I learned though is that we all struggle, some openly some secretly. The churches I went to where people were open about their struggles, whether with marriage, porn, adultery, lying, cheating, drinking, coveting, or a multitude of other issues there was real growth.  Always adding members, huge outreaches and charity work.  You could feel the spirit move and it was so powerful.  People were raw, they could connect on a personal level with each other and anyone else in the world. They never stood on podiums but were really street level. Normal people. 

I learned so much. I learned that legalism holds back. Wearing dresses and hats to church is pretty. It doesn't win souls.

Learning the scripture and being full of Biblical knowledge doesn't mean you know how to apply it in a daily practical manner.  

Now at this stage in my life I sit with friends in all walks and religions.  I am comfortable, I sit for drinks (well before being prego) around a fire and don't feel fake.  I share life, gaze at the stars in wonder and amazement of Gods creation. I have no bubble. I feel free.

However I long for a church where we live now that would be as comfortable.  I miss breaking bread weekly and this makes me want to go back to 'meeting'.  However I do not believe that I should be asking someone if I can.  That is between me and the Lord on a weekly basis.

And then the cloak of legalism and traditionalism is heavy.

For this reason I lean towards open brethren.

But then I miss the weekly practical growth of the church we moved away from.  I know though that what we need is to find a place where we are happy with the basic teachings and take our kids there. We have prayed and prayed and maybe it is that we are just such big failures in the Christian faith department that we are blind but we haven't felt led anywhere.

Maybe my thought process is all wrong and the answer is in that bubble!

The meaning of life.

It is such a huge question, I don't even know why I brought it up now.

But sometimes it just feels like I am forever in a hole.  Digging and searching. Never settled.  Is there really that happy place I think exists? Are the bubbles real?  What if I lived in one?

What then?

I think I once had a taste of a bubble. I was in my late teens and dating a 'meeting' guy. I read my Bible all the time and felt like I was in the Lords will, relying on Him for every moment. It was superficial and it was sweet, like floating above the chaos of the world. Kinda like being high on love or something. People I worked with said I was weird, out of touch and a freak. I soaked it up.

Then it popped.

I am so glad! 

What kind of testimony is that. I couldn't connect with them, I might have felt dirty. Now I am one of them with a story.

Having the bubble burst exposed me to a life filled with far more pain and sorrow but I feel truly closer to the Lord.  In a nitty gritty kind of way.

I don't think I want that bubble again.....it really makes heaven sweeter in my mind. Way sweeter!

In all this I don't know that I have found the meaning of life but it took me on a journey anyway.

 

Food for thought.