About that spiritual journey....or not.

Have you ever written a massive post, edited it to death and then put it into the saved drafts to deal with later ... or never?

I had finally decided to share some of what has been going on with my spiritual journey over the last 6 months or so. But then after re-reading it I just couldn't hit the publish button. There were things that would hurt friends and family in what I was going to say even though it didn't directly involve them in any way. I have to figure out a better way to say what I want.

Sigh.

Do you ever question what and why you believe what you do?

Are you ok with listening to preachers or teachers who use tradition as an excuse for why they do what they do?

Do you just go along with repetitive lifeless murmurings or do you want more?

Do you seek truth?

Truth without a lot of interpretation and verse pulling and twisting?

Truth that is plain and pure?

Or are you really ok with being told what to believe?

I for one am not. I read a lot and think way too much. I have convictions and they are not ones that someone has made up or twisted to make sound good. I am not guilted though I am for sure judged by many. I found that if you read books written by women of faith and men of faith they usually have an agenda. Go read what they are preaching and read the whole passage they reference in context. It usually doesn't say what the writers of the books twist it to say. I do not believe you can pull a verse and use it over and over for whatever you want. I could give examples but I would offend friends in a heart beat....and maybe I should....or not.....so I wont.

And what about other religions, faiths and life styles?

Why do they believe what they do?

Would I believe the same if I had grown up with their faiths?

Probably.

What it has come down to for me is that life should be simple. Faith should be simple. There are a few things that God has asked for us to do. I want to do those simple things and not be distracted by man made junk.

There I think I said something without really saying anything. Hmmm......

Ya.

Ohhh, baby!

Today we got to go see and hear the new baby's heart beat for the first time.....and also saw so much more!

Baby Mc-Jr. at 13 weeks and one day.

Due date is on Kaitlyn's birthday!

Oh, gotta edit to add.

The technician asked me if this was my first pregnancy. I said no. She asked what number this was. It felt so odd to say that it is my fifth! Me! Pregnant again for the 5th time! That is just crazy. Not even 5 years ago if you told me that I would be pregnant this many times already I probably would have spit or cursed or something. Five years ago today I was throwing up and super ill with my pregnancy with Kaitlyn, wow!

What a pile of little blessings since then!

And seeing that little baby today swimming around, boxing the air and kicking me like crazy almost made me cry, cry for the ones that get aborted. They are such tiny (only 7 cm's so far) little miracles but still so baby!!

It was just so cool to see it this morning, kinda makes the whole thing that much more real and that much more wonderful and crazy and scary all at the same time!

My sleepless nights

For a few nights here and there I haven't been sleeping. OK, maybe more than that, I would need better sleep to remember.

Sometimes I think I am too tired to sleep, sometimes it is that a little person or three wake up through the night and the moment my head hits the pillow another takes a turn. And recently it has been the pregnancy, I think, it has seemed random and weird. Throws a loop in my day and makes me irritated, I might as well be painting!

But the most usual times I don't sleep is just because my mind is so busy creating and thinking and dissecting everything. I like to know, understand and make sense of things, all kinds of things, close, far, wacky and normal, spiritual and unspiritual.

As a child I used to dream the the world stopped and stood still when I wasn't looking. That it only moved where I went. I was a dreamer and probably always will be. It is safe and lovely.

A friend twittered me this the other day and it made my moment! Later!

A little irritable so you get the surface

I kinda don't feel like talking, don't feel like saying anything that pertains to anything that has been going on. Some of you already that we had to go out of town for almost two weeks to see Dave's mom who is still in the ICU in Calgary. So, I don't feel like talking about it, nuf said. We are drained. We love her and want her to get better.

Instead I really want to start telling you about my crazy spiritual journey but at the same time have no energy to actually think it through at the moment and make sense of it for you.

So, how about some fluff stuff.

I am soooooo game for fluffy surface stuff that takes me away to some other place. A happy sappy and easy don't think too much place. I am tired of thinking. Tired of everything. I get annoyed easily. Why are so many people stupid and waste their time on useless dumb stuff?

See, annoyed, you don't want to hang out with me right now. I don't want to either, maybe I just need a good night of sleep.

I did start journaling today. I like it.

Wow, I sound empty tonight.

Ya, so let's get on with fluffy stuff, I can do that without thinking and without coffee, or jelly beans, oh wait, nope, I still need jelly beans. Craving them right now and I tried to have a bowl of chowder instead and I still NEED jelly beans.

Be right back.

Ok. Mmmm, I had a black jelly bean, mmmm........

Not feeling so good now, maybe jelly beans weren't such a good choice. Should have had a grapefruit.

Getting on with it!

Cuteness.

A month ago now. Fun day. Except for the cold.

A dude who had no interest in skates.

This is the way to get around on the ice!

This little rink in behind the houses near us is awesome. They flood around the trees in the park and it is so quiet. Perfect.

I'm a rock star....

And on the odd lazy day a gamer, a gamer with motivation. You would never know it to look at this but she likes to get it right so she can move on to the next level with everything completed.

Soooooo like her dad!

boingggg........weow......weoooooww.......

Once again, no picture of me, well besides this lousy one. I am going to give Kaitlyn my point and shoot, that should fix everything, well at least you might see my knees or elbows or an ear or something.

"Yipeeee ky ai!" (I have no idea how to spell those sounds!)

"Howdy mam."

A painting to pass the time while in Calgary. Inspired by a photo my in-laws took in Cuba and gifted to them.

I used to have this dream of someday having all our children standing in a line with pretty dresses and suits. In this dream they would stand there and sweetly play instruments and sing.

Ha, ha, good thing I am not the type to hold on to dreams and am a go with the flow-er!

Because it is just not in their nature. At all.

They are natural born rockers. Don't ask us to come up front at a church with a sweet little diddy.

We might just knock your socks off.

I swear I did not teach them this.

Really.

I love em for it!

Hudson. We have had an interesting time with him over the last few weeks. Trying goats milk, formula (ugh) and wishing I had more milk. This is what has happened every time I hit my second trimester in a pregnancy. My milk cuts down to a third and trickles to colostrum.

Fortunately he is so easy going that we has adjusted and stayed happy. And started sitting himself up, shooting me with an eggplant and scootching everywhere on his belly and toes.

And what else.....

It if February! And a great excuse to make heart crafts. We have some lined up for the next few days but this one I was pretty excited about. The kids love to sew and when SAJ posted her link to her craft of the month we had to give it a shot. She is so good at thinking for me. Thank you SAJ, we had a blast with this one!

(she was also the one who has inspired me to start doodling in my journal again.....thank you for that too....since I haven't gotten around to telling you that yet)

Ethan then wanted to do another has way. Mini.

Be mine?

"Mooooooooommmmmmm...."

"mom?"

"Love you!"

And then Kaitlyn wanted to do her version of a mini string heart valentine.

Love her!

And that rounds out my fluffy stuff.

I am still a little antsy and wish that I could just say what I think all the time. However I don't like to offend and cause pain, or stir the pot. I know some people have no problem doing this, I just do for some reason. I know I am not perfect either but I just want to say things sometimes. I know stuff and see stuff and wish I could scream. Maybe I need some sun.

Maybe I should not read blogs, go out, go on facebook, or twitter or talk to people until the summer. Maybe I need to listen to the Beatles and forget everything heavy in my brain for a while.

"Love is all you need.....all you need is love...."