Friday, August 7, 2009

Cracking the lid on my box

I came to the realization the other day that I have been sounding like a broken record for a while now. How you guys hang in here with me and encourage to no end and keep telling me to hang in is well, amazing!
I have been whining that I am overwhelmed and cannot seem to get my life organized for well, ever! Seriously! I was reading through my archives and although it was really fun (I totally encourage you to do the same if you are insanely board one day) I also realized that I was whining about the same junk I whine about now.

I think I need to get a grip already! Refocus. Again.

It is not like I am depressed, I have been having great days. I get overwhelmed as usual but that is minor. My issue lately is that I feel like my brain is rotting, I am antsy!
I read tweets and status updates on facebook and some of you are so witty and brainy. You have all these great philosophical ideas and deep thoughts. My brain starts to spin and I get a hunger to hunker down over a good deeply intense make you think and question every little aspect of life kind of book.
I hate getting in ruts. I like to keep an open and growing mind. I hate it when I feel like I am without noticing it getting stuck in a proverbial box. I like to live out of the box, I enjoy questioning everything, researching and then believing or not believing. Sometimes I forget though and then feel like a lemming. I hate that. Always have. As I kerplunk and splat over the edge. I have to get up, dust off and step out of line again.

Then I feel like I need to go back to school, take a poetry class, learn new words, visit old friends, explore new artistic ideas, learn how to break dance, or join a debate group.
I miss debating. When I was in high school I used to hang out in coffee shops with friends and debate politics, social issues, religion and anything else that came to mind. We would sit for hours sharing and arguing and drink way too much coffee. I look back and laugh now when I think of some of the things we discussed, we had such little life experience and yet such grand ideas.

Now I find myself debating with myself and Dave. Our decisions now centre around us, not the world. Renovating, moving to the lake, money and kid stuff. Life stuff. Funny how things change.

On the topic of kid stuff. After a lot of thought I have come to decide I want to home school for the first year and the curriculum debate is on.
Dave is giving me this year to prove whether we can do it or not.
There are so many choices. For those of you familiar with pre-school curricula we have looked at Sonlight, Before 5 in a row, Come sit by me, and Horizon. So far I am leaning towards Horizon. The other three really focus on reading to your child and we do that already. Horizon has workbooks, really fun colorful ones, music and videos....the workbooks are what have Kaitlyn all excited. She loves workbooks....little nut! I am all ears if any of you have experience with any of these or have any other ideas. I would love to know what you love or hate!

Anyway, back to my brain funk. Sometimes I wish I could be a lemming. Seems like everything would be easier. Just do and say as society or church dictates. Do what is expected, don't buck any system. Don't shock or do the unexpected, keep everyone happy. Hurumpf!
I am just not like that, it would eat me up inside, I am a system bucker. My poor parents! I do hold back a lot for their sake though. I really do. I love them. I cannot buck as hard out loud as I do in my head.
I question everything though and then question why I am questioning and on and on.
I wonder why?

I wish I had something profound and brainy to share but I don't. I am starting to sound like that broken record again. Time to tune out! I don't know where this post was going or how to end it. It is kinda awkward and jumbled like my thoughts tonight.

So night all and thank you!


Kori said...

Well, you know, the lemmings all just die a sudden death; dont wish you could be more like that. I hear and understand your frustrations, but you are great just the way you are, really.

Brooke said...

I just have to say that I love Ethan's sweater in this post : ) In fact, I wish I had one just like it! We are all a broken record for most of our lives, so don't worry too much about that :)
I miss things like being a poetry major and on the debate team too--seems like a whole different life, doesn't it?

Stacie's Madness said...

for me, THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG IS FOR...even if it is me whiney constantly, it's why I blog and why my blog belongs to me.

I love reading your stuff, I love reading that others out there struggle just as I struggle sometimes.

Plus your pictures, crafts, etc keep me entertained.

Hang in there, as the baby continues to grow things will improve and I think things in your life will fall in line. It may not be the "line" you thought, but it's a line and something you can enjoy every second.

nicole said...

There is a great book I read "The Homeschooling Option" by Lisa Rivero. Lots of ideas without the preachy must-do-it-my-way attitude. Might be a good resource. Hey, take an easy on yourself you are a SAHM with 3 never get this time baby will be 6 next month!

bethany actually said...

I'll tell you what OMSH and another homeschooling friend told me about homeschooling for preschool and kindergarten: The curriculum isn't really necessary. You're probably already doing most of what you need to be doing for pre-K/K, just add a bit more reading to the mix. :-)

So, whatever curriculum you choose, it'll be fine!

Anonymous said...

Are you reading my mind? Seriously, I think the same kinds of things all the time. The daily grind wears things down. I think it's normal to want that spark and energy that comes from learning and exploring and living that taking care of kids and paying the bills seems to push down. I'm trying to find ways to do that in my own life as well. Little changes that I hope add up to a lot.

Gayle said...

Anna, I think we all feel exactly the same way at certain times in our lives. I like that you blog about how you're feeling. I read blogs, and write one, to connect with people. You are such a real person and that is what is one of the things that makes your blog amazing.

Mrs. Wilson said...

I'd love to debate with you!! Maybe that's what we'll have to do when we hang out. It sounds like fun :)

Also, I don't mind listening to (reading) you whine. That's what we're here for!!

BeachMama said...

Ahh Anna, I think we all get in this rut when we stay home with the kids. I try to get out of my head but it's really hard sometimes. Good luck with homeschooling. I have heard great things about Sonlight. I wish I had it in me, but I think school is working better for us at this point. That could always change though.

The Chatty Housewife said...

These photos are AMAZING!

Karen MEG said...

I hope you get out of your funk soon...I find it so difficult to sound witty and brainy in 140 characters, so I don't.

I think you're a great writer and I love, love your photos.
And I'm impressed that you were a debater in highschool! That's tough stuff! My niece is really active in that (in the debate circuit, even debate camp!) and she's one smart cookie!

I think that's a great idea to take a course, something just for yourself, if you make the time in your busy schedule.

And homeschooling,good or you! Little girlie loves workbooks too, which has been nice over the summer, to keep her interested before school starts again in less than 2 weeks...oh, boy...

Momma TaderDoodles said...

Thank you for putting into words exactly how I have been feeling lately... I am not alone. (Although my poor blog has been suffering terribly!)

On homeschooling: we did a curriculum last year.. this year, we have nothing concrete, Kindergarten and 2nd Grade... all with stuff online or bought from Walmart.. and don't forget the library. It's a great blessing and once you do it, you'll be glad you did, not matter what books you by or things you try :)