Cracking the lid on my box

I came to the realization the other day that I have been sounding like a broken record for a while now. How you guys hang in here with me and encourage to no end and keep telling me to hang in is well, amazing!

I have been whining that I am overwhelmed and cannot seem to get my life organized for well, ever! Seriously! I was reading through my archives and although it was really fun (I totally encourage you to do the same if you are insanely board one day) I also realized that I was whining about the same junk I whine about now.

I think I need to get a grip already! Refocus. Again.

It is not like I am depressed, I have been having great days. I get overwhelmed as usual but that is minor. My issue lately is that I feel like my brain is rotting, I am antsy!

I read tweets and status updates on facebook and some of you are so witty and brainy. You have all these great philosophical ideas and deep thoughts. My brain starts to spin and I get a hunger to hunker down over a good deeply intense make you think and question every little aspect of life kind of book.

I hate getting in ruts. I like to keep an open and growing mind. I hate it when I feel like I am without noticing it getting stuck in a proverbial box. I like to live out of the box, I enjoy questioning everything, researching and then believing or not believing. Sometimes I forget though and then feel like a lemming. I hate that. Always have. As I kerplunk and splat over the edge. I have to get up, dust off and step out of line again.

Then I feel like I need to go back to school, take a poetry class, learn new words, visit old friends, explore new artistic ideas, learn how to break dance, or join a debate group.

I miss debating. When I was in high school I used to hang out in coffee shops with friends and debate politics, social issues, religion and anything else that came to mind. We would sit for hours sharing and arguing and drink way too much coffee. I look back and laugh now when I think of some of the things we discussed, we had such little life experience and yet such grand ideas.

Now I find myself debating with myself and Dave. Our decisions now centre around us, not the world. Renovating, moving to the lake, money and kid stuff. Life stuff. Funny how things change.

On the topic of kid stuff. After a lot of thought I have come to decide I want to home school for the first year and the curriculum debate is on.

Dave is giving me this year to prove whether we can do it or not.

There are so many choices. For those of you familiar with pre-school curricula we have looked at Sonlight, Before 5 in a row, Come sit by me, and Horizon. So far I am leaning towards Horizon. The other three really focus on reading to your child and we do that already. Horizon has workbooks, really fun colorful ones, music and videos....the workbooks are what have Kaitlyn all excited. She loves workbooks....little nut! I am all ears if any of you have experience with any of these or have any other ideas. I would love to know what you love or hate!

Anyway, back to my brain funk. Sometimes I wish I could be a lemming. Seems like everything would be easier. Just do and say as society or church dictates. Do what is expected, don't buck any system. Don't shock or do the unexpected, keep everyone happy. Hurumpf!

I am just not like that, it would eat me up inside, I am a system bucker. My poor parents! I do hold back a lot for their sake though. I really do. I love them. I cannot buck as hard out loud as I do in my head.

I question everything though and then question why I am questioning and on and on.

I wonder why?

I wish I had something profound and brainy to share but I don't. I am starting to sound like that broken record again. Time to tune out! I don't know where this post was going or how to end it. It is kinda awkward and jumbled like my thoughts tonight.

So night all and thank you!

Cork Biskay

Don't ask about the title. Well, ok, really it means nothing. I was just sitting here trying to think of something while watching Top Gear out the side of my eye and caught glance of a British map. Two words popped out at me completely unrelated and I though, "Hmm, cool name for a painting." Maybe someday.

Anyway.

Back to summer life.

Life of tea parties with friends.

Singing made up Sunday school songs.

And painting into the wee hours of the night.

Projects, they are too consuming. I love to paint. I really do. But sometimes I have to sit back and breath. After a few weeks of catching up on a few projects I am still waiting on canvas that has been on back order now for two months. HELLO! Two months, come on!

I am glad to be busy but working it into a mom schedule, well it is challenging.

I would love to be out at the lake and not having a care in the world. But at the same time if I didn't paint we would struggle to make ends meet. It is a double edged sword.

Once a project is complete though, ahhh, the feeling! Happy clients and a project out the door, awesome!

Sometimes I wish I could keep a painting but really, I don't have a wall big enough for some of them.

Getting out with friends makes a big difference too. I love being with the kids day in and day out and I love staying up after they are in bed painting my heart out but sometimes you really need a good break.

Sitting back and watching the kids play with friends is sooooo nice!

And oooo, this is something I love. See the apron? My friend made this as a gift to her husband (pictured wearing it) years ago. Is it not the best idea for a man apron ever?!

I love creative friends!

And pretty dresses and summer sun glistening in golden hair.

Dirty little faces that radiate summer outdoor fun.

And stolen smooches on the porch.

Weekends in the summer = priceless.

Now some of you know that I got a skateboard.

Yah.

Dave thinks I have been going through premature midlife crisis. I guess maybe more of a postpartum mommy crisis. I have been thinking about things that I have always wanted to do.

Become a race car driver, like the underground street racer kind. I have always gotten a huge rush from driving way to fast and weaving in and out of traffic. Since having kids I bit my tongue, swallowed hard and let off the gas. I drive the speed limit now for the most part and no longer get road rage. I just let it all go in one big deep calming breath. I no longer get to my destination all hopped up on adrenalin but at peace.

However every once in a while I have a desire to let loose. I want a motorcycle, or something fast. Thing is I am a mom and no longer a risk taker. I love my kids and husband and our little life. But I don't want to get old. Looking at them makes me think that there are things that I let go of while thinking that I had to grow up.

Who says you should do that. Why not do what you love and keep the kid alive. Take up fencing, or free running, now that looks like a rush!

So I bought a skateboard.

It has only been oh, at least 10 years since I have been on one. They even changed the shape of the board over the years. Who knew?!

I went online and found one used but in good shape. I called the guy and we arranged to meet outside his apartment down town.

It almost felt shady as I got out of the truck checked out his ware, handed him the cash and we went our ways.

But we have a board.

And I am not so good at it any more. I think I am old and not so limber, my balance is not the same at all!

I watch my little sister and her friends.

I won't be doing any of these moves any time soon.

But I think I have mastered the ollie-oops!

Dave on the other hand. Well he used to do it for a while when he was younger and it came back to him like riding a bike.

He was riding and popping circles around me after a few days. Fun though, everyone should just get out and do what keeps them young.

Then again snuggling and kissing babies works too. Nom, nom.

He is so snugly and smiley now. I promised I would fill this post with a few good ones;-)

And now I just looked at my clock. It is after 1am, no wonder I am feeling toast.

But then again I don't know if I will be able to sleep.

Kaitlyn is away tonight on her first sleepover. I cried on the way home. My baby girl! I am not ready for this!!!

She is getting to confident and this has been something she has been talking about for weeks.

She is days away from being 4 but if feels like 14 tonight.

Agh!

They just grow so fast!

And next thing you know they are blowing kisses and off they go!

My heart strings!

But then again I do really need to go sleep. She wants me to pick her up at either 3 or 5, she insisted this as I walked down the sidewalk waving and choking up.

I love that lil nugget!

Orders up!

And I am out!

(snif, snif)