Friday, October 9, 2009

Getting on track and on a side note, it is SNOWING!

As you may have noticed I took a break.
After writing the last post I sat back and read what I wrote and realized that I needed to make some changes around home. That and sitting reading your emails and comments, I had a lot of thinking to do.

But anyway .... first and foremost I want to thank all of you who commented and wrote me in e-mails.
Thank you for your support and also for the few kicks in the butt that I needed.
I cried and laughed and felt many virtual hugs, and connections so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sharing and hearing what you had to say did amazing things for me.
You touch my heart!
Having this blog work both directions is something I never could have imagined just a few years ago. Sometimes I think I am loosing it and then you guys all together make things somehow seem clearer. I love the perspectives and well, you are awesome!
I really, really want to e-mail you all back and write personal letter and share my heart but at the same time I am really focusing on my home. The whole home, including the people.

I still have yet to write my thank you cards for the gifts we received for Hudson. Someday.

However I want to tell you that I have embarked on a journey and am struggling to keep on track. Maybe after 28 days it will feel like a habit but I kind of doubt it.

So this last week and a bit has been a time that I have thought and read and prayed and played and cleaned and sorted and prayed some more and then realized that I needed to clean again.
I am still no good there!

Why does this come so hard to me?!

Dave packed all my canvases and paints away in the furnace room so I wouldn't be so tempted to walk over, plop on the floor and paint whenever I get an idea. I do feel rather itchy and a little nerve tweakish though, my body and brain ache for the smell of fresh canvas and stinky paints and my fingers twitch for a brush.
I know I am weird, this is just my thing, ok.
Now I am rewarding myself with time to paint when I am done what I need to do. The house will not be perfect but things that need to be done will be done.

So Dave and I have been talking and cleaning and trying to get some order around here. We have purged and hid boxes of kids stuff out of sight.
We are working towards our day to day life being simpler and less cluttered so our minds can be too.
I know some of you say I am too hard on myself and I know sometimes I am, you are right, but you know sometime we need to reevaluate and we need to refocus and sometimes we have our priorities out of line. We need to get hard on ourselves for changes to happen.
I am going to give up custom orders after the ones I have sitting here are done and maybe after Christmas pick up again.
I want to do some experimenting and exploring of my ideas. I want to sew. I need a little more freedom and a little less stress. I don't want the nagging pressure in the back of my head of jobs committed to and not completed. I love the work but need a break.
I want just to do what I want when I feel like it rather than it be a job.
So if you have an order in, don't worry, it is coming!
If you don't, well, please wait until after Christmas. Sorry, I need the next few months.

Sleep helps too.
Really, really helps.

Dave has also helped me see that I play around too much. Not just with the kids but I putz. I don't know how but I don't get stuff done and then Dave comes home and the dishes are piled high, the toys are everywhere and the laundry is stinking up the washer. What the heck did I do all day?!

I know I clothed the kids, brushed hair on a good day, read them books, made meals and changed a gazillion diapers, wiped a few bigger bums, went for a walk and broke up a fight over coloured plates, nursed and bathed and checked my e-mail. Maybe did a little text messaging but really didn't do much else.

Hmmmm, that actually sounds like a halfway busy day. Somehow in the thick of it the time just disappears and then Dave is home and rather than plunking on the floor to wrestle and giggle with the kids he has to do dishes so we can eat, do the laundry so we have clothes to wear and then next thing you know it is bedtime and there is no room on the floor to read books with the kids so he picks up stuff while the kids fall asleep on the couch waiting.
This blows!
(whew, that was also long winded)

If I can just somehow get a schedule nailed down I want to. I want our home to be halfway decent for Dave when he comes home. I want him to be able to relax and play with the kids every night. I want him to have down time!

We did well for a few days but then it came to a head again last night.
Today was better again. Maybe it helped that we spent half the day out with Mrs. Wilson and Kami and the other half in a Bible study class and shopping but we did make efforts here too.

I realize it is small changes that need to be implemented.
Structure is my weakness.
Just a little goes a long way. I am embracing this. Getting up at the same time. Doing the same routine as we get ready for the day.
Working towards daily flips of laundry and loads of dishes.
All meals at the table, well, ok, we will still have picnics around the house but we are going to aim for picnics at the table. Not sure how I will trick them into this one. But at least I will work on keeping the table clean so they can happen.

I am not giving up time with the kids. I do know how important this is but it cannot be all that I do all day long. They do play together and I can get off my duff and do stuff rather than sit there and watch them while I sit rummaging through the thoughts in my head.
I can very well do the rummaging while I do laundry.

Anyway, I am reading a few books, mainly my Bible every day and challenging my self to some personal changes.

I know we will be fine. We'd survive anyway but I really want balance and I am finally seeing the light and feeling within my grasp.

Now off for that much needed sleep so WE CAN DO THIS!!!


Thanks again guys!


Kori said...

People laugh at me sometimes but I follow the exact same routine every morning and if I don't, I lose focus. I, too, can easily get immersed in whatever it is I am doing-for me it is writing, not painting-and forget that I have other things to do. They are not MORE important, but equally important. So I set a timer for 15 minutes, do as much as I can at whatever chore I am doing in that 15 minutes, and then I take a little break. You would be totally amazed at how much I can get done in just 15 minutes!

You are on the right track, and I am happy for you. It will all fall into place over time, just be gentle with yourself as you implement these new routines, and while it isn't going to solve everything, I bet you will notice a lot of different good things to come out of it all.

Big hugs.

mamatucci said...

I understand completly. we are impleting changes for our family,different ones than you but changes all same. Ones that will make our faamily stronger. I have a problem with worrying about others and lose track of what is right here and those who are important. I falter but I will get there. Hang in there you are great

Brooke said...

Ugh--it snowed here most of last Sunday and Monday as well. This whole "winter thing" is gonna be quite new to me! I'll have to get advice from you on how not to go crazy!
Schedule and routine are the only way anything gets done for me too...but it IS easy to fall off track. You are right--try not to be too hard on yourself while you implement changes. You are starting out right with the Bible reading. On days I forget or allow myself to skip praying before I start the day I notice that it takes a decided downhill slide from the get-go! Praying for you and all three kiddos...

bethany actually said...

I think it's great you have goals and a plan! I need to do some similar routine-planning myself. I'll keep you guys in my prayers. :-)

bethany said...

yay for small changes, and purging, it does help! i'm SO with you in the putzing department, sigh. doing it right now in fact! I've become a big fan of timers, to make me focus more. going to set one for an hour and see how it goes. the kids are into it to, knowing how long they have to read before starting homework, etc. now if i could remember to use them more often :). hugs to you, and let us know how it goes!

Mrs. Wilson said...

You can do it!! I think you need to use the word ROUTINE rather than SCHEDULE :)

I have to do the same. Our days have NO structure, besides the fact that Kaylie goes to school and Noah and I go to work. And we need to eat at the table too :)

Anonymous said...

You're my inspiration! I need to start with some small changes with things here and there. Good for your for taking a break to re-focus and sleep! Very important.

Love the pictures!

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Sending out a hug from someone who understands more than I wish. I am actually heading more the other way, though, in that I want complete freedom of schedules and responsibilities. I want to paint and draw and write all day. I want to go places alone and be unencumbered. And then I realize: I homeschool and (almost) solely parent 3 kids...

Being a grown-up is harder than it looks.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I think you will find the balance that you are seeking, more routine but still have time to be creative. And really and truly, it gets easier as the kids get older and more independent.

I love you just the way you are! You inspire me to be less anal about the house and do more fun things with my kids.

Anonymous said...

#1 no matter what routine you plan out, with kids it will always change. It's a short time of like that we just need to get over the "clean house" and enjoy life.

#2 Kinda the same as Kori's post with the 15min timer or task by task, we have been learning to "balance" our lives in our women's bible study. We have learned to use the trinity circles to prioritize Work, Celebrate, and Sabbath with Self, Wife and Mother. Most of us mothers look after the kids first, husband (house cleaning or at least most of mine is done only for him) second and then repeat rarley getting to our selves. Like the world class cheif who forgot to make time to eat his lunch before going to work, no matter how hard he tried to please his restaurant eaters they continually send his food back, this in turn made him more frustated and stressed. If he would have stopped to take care of himself first he would not have been cooking with hunger making whatever he could quickly so he could be done and then eat. This only made the people he was trying to serve unhappy as well as him self. In turn we need to start our work circle by taking care of ourselves first, then we will be equipt for looking after every thing else. Then once we have done something for us, husband and kids we must move to our celebrate circle, which can range from as simple as checking it off on a to do list, to having a happy dance with the kids, to calling a friend to celebrate with her. Then we must Sabbath or rest. Just for a moment or longer if needed. The first day I tried this not only was it hard to celebrate and sabbath but thinking of how to do something for me was even harder. If I'm balancing my circles I feel sane, if I forget I get stressed, yell at the kids and somedays end up in tears. If you having a rough day don't repeat the circle cycle more than once, really take your sabbath time, if you are obediant in doing so the next day you could complete 12 cycles. If I was to confusing to understand call me and let me know, then we'll schedule that Tuesday to get together. Remember your never in this alone...God has his hand on everything we do.
Lots of Love Brandie

BeachMama said...

I know it is hard, but you can do it. And be sure to reward yourself a little each time you get through a day with accomplishments. Not doing the extra stuff that motivates you can backfire as well.

Gayle said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling happier and are working out a plan to have things be more the way you want them to be!

homemom1001 said...

I so hear you! I need to get my own alarm would so help me! Love and hugs!

MJ said...

Sometimes we just are as we are. It's hard to be different from others, particularly when their house is tidy in our eyes. Self-acceptance is so important. I struggled with it too, especially as a stay-at-home. Find your happy medium; you need your art as an outlet too.