Sometimes I am inspired.
Inspired by what others write. In books, on blogs, and random clips in papers or magazines I read things that get me going. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree, sometimes it gives me something to think about and sometimes I want to write because of what I read.
Recently I have read a few friends blogs and realized that they were all writing things that I have been dealing with myself. Things that I haven't been facing well and so I have decided to try and get it out now.
I seem to be at a pretty low point right now. I don't want to talk about it but I am trying to face and deal with where I am so I want to talk about it at the same time.
I don't think I have depression. I have been there before. Not caring at all about a single thing. Feeling nothing. Wanting to feel anything but not having the energy to care.
I do feel, I do care, a lot, I am just tired, really, really, tired.
So tired. I can cry. Any time. A lot. I want to do so much but don't want to move at the same time.
I was just reading a friends blog and she was talking about her relationship a little and I realized that I could have written what she wrote.
I feel stupid sharing this but at the same time it is going on here.
I am annoyed. Annoyed with Dave and with the kids and with family and everyone. I actually planed on getting mad at Dave the other day when I could only blame myself.
I had the whole morning to get out the door for the kids field trip and dilly dallied the hours away. By the time it was time to leave I remembered that the truck was out of gas and that I needed money to pay for the field trip. We were down to the wire getting out the door and Kaitlyn kept changing outfits over and over. Then I had to change a diaper and find shoes and pack the snack and find a clean bottle to put water in and next thing you know we were going to be late if we didn't leave RIGHT NOW!!
I was already planning the call in my head to Dave, "You know I had this trip planned, why didn't you gas up the truck, why didn't you get me money, you know how hard it is for me to get out the door and get everyone buckled up and, and, and....."
And then I went to grab my keys from the key bowl and saw that there was a 20 dollar bill tucked in with my keys and a some change for a coffee.
I started to feel bad.
I went out to the truck with the kids and put the key in the ignition. The gas tank was full. I started to cry.
It was my own stupid fault that I was rushing last minute, loosing my cool and pushing to get out the door THIS MINUTE!
I could have planned ahead and had time to spare and just been pleasantly surprised by Dave's thoughtfulness.
Now I felt like an idiot and had to call and thank him over and over and then had the whole drive out to the country to think about how I let things go in my head.
I get annoyed with him over anything. Like the garbage can getting full. It's not his fault yet I am annoyed with him. What is wrong with me?!
I can take out the garbage. I have two legs!
I get annoyed with the kids and them wanting to sit on my lap when I just want to be in my own head or doodling in a sketch book and I don't want to be bumped.
I am thankful that I do have rational thoughts and catch myself in these moments for the most part, not all the time but I do know what I am doing. Then I get mad at myself. I want to just love and cuddle all the time, but I don't want to and sometimes I want to be alone and then when I am I want to not be alone and be with them all the time and.......I just don't understand myself!!
So anyway, I drove out to the pumpkin patch thinking about how stupid I am in my head and vowing to not be so stupid and wishing I could just figure out how to be more positive.
I do love it when the kids have fun. I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for them. Well I wouldn't have been invited since it was organized by and for home schoolers but you know what I am saying. I would rather stay in bed with a notebook all day than go out to the pumpkin patch.
Then when I really think about it I don't know why I would want to stay in bed. I would miss a lot of photo ops and giggles and fresh air and crunching of fall leaves.
But I almost need toothpicks to prop my eye lids open through it all. For the last month at least I have felt almost nauseous with exhaustion.
You ask then why the heck am I sitting up here at midnight typing when I could be cashing in on that much needed sleep?
Well I do need time to get this head stuff out. Also Ethan is sick and up every few minutes wanting water. Poor little guy had a mild fever since last night and it finally broke this afternoon but has left him cranky and tired. Fighting something he is.
Sent them off on a ride and then hung out in the kiddy coral until some of their (and my) friends arrived.
I hate mazes. But somehow I end up doing them every year.
I am quite glad to follow along in the background and leave the fun up to everyone else.
Maybe I would find it fun if I wasn't so tired but all I wanted to do was sit in the shade and not think and not get my flip flops all muddy and my back all sore from carrying a baby.
And talking with a few friends. Even though I find that when my mind is elsewhere I tend to blab on about who knows what and don't really follow much of what is going on around me.
It is a wonder some day that I have friends. I must be so annoying!
However at the same time I find friends even if they don't say much and I don't either to be like a good medicine. Like silent comfort just cause they are there.
My poor kids. I wish I could just get out of my head and focus already! I want to get in their heads and know what they are thinking about and not be so distracted!
Though I think too about how easy it would have been to just post these pictures and say something along the lines of ....what a wonderful beautiful sunny perfect fall day we spent at the pumpkin patch. Because really it was!
Somehow I find a way to be there and in the moments sort of. It is something I strive for but in my head I am also a million miles away. It is like there is the front part of my head that talks and sees and functions normally and then there is this dark little back room in my head where all this chaos goes on behind the scenes.
I try to close the door on the dark little room and just have fun and I think I really do have fun but sometimes the door swings open and I have to fight it with all my might to get it shut again.
Having kids often forces me to push that dark door closed. They just know how to cheer and brighten a day no matter what. Their skin is so soft and so kissable. However even as I am smooching them endlessly I still find my brain drifting off to daydream about a new kitchen or something dumb like that and I have to snap back into the moment.
I tend to avoid what I know I need to do around the house by finding fun things to do even if my mind isn't in it. I focus a LOT on fun.
These kids, they bring me to my knees shaking in sobs as I put them to bed. I feel as though I am failing them so bad.
Just this past week in my new moms Bible study group the leader brought up how we as moms are always hard on ourselves and never give ourselves credit enough.
I don't think I am too hard on myself at all. I let myself get away with way too much.
I have been talking a lot about the state of my house and how I need to get it in order lately and this is only part of it.
I cry because I want to be better. I want to teach the kids more about Jesus. I want them to see Him in my life. I want them to see order and peace. I want them to see routine and stability.
I cry because I fear that all they see is the opposite.
I don't hug and kiss my husband enough.
I don't make good healthy suppers enough.
I don't sing enough or laugh enough or wash the floors enough....it has been months. Seriously.
It is this bad.
I don't just feel like I am failing as a wife and mother and friend. I know I am.
I am vowing to change this. As I clean the house bit by bit it is as if I am picking up the pieces.
Geting back the better wife and mom.
I have vowed to put the energy into friendships once again too. I miss having close friends. Ones who I can have fun with and call in the middle of the night if I need too. I miss going out for pretty coffee with girlfriends.
Putting energy into friendships is hard. You have to grow them. Invest time and space in your head. It is hard yet so rewarding.
I am trying. It is a process.
It really helps to have children who beg to see their friends and want go to the park to fly kites.
So we did. I am glad. Not that I was great company with my thoughts in my head in the dark little room at the back but I am trying to keep that door closed.
Live in the moments.
I felt bad leaving the house but I hadn't been in it all day anyway. This is how it goes. I sat outside watching the kids play for hours and doodled. I am so good at finding distractions.
Art has become one of those distractions.
I don't know now if I want anyone to read or comment on this. Maybe I have said too much although I know I am only showing the scratches on the surface. I hate all the deep stuff going on in me right now. When I look around things seem fine. When I close my eyes they aren't.
I feel anxious with all I think I need to do. The list is so long.
I am so tired.
When I play and hug and kiss my kids sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions. I love them so much it breaks my heart that I can let myself be so distracted by my own thoughts. None bad, don't worry there, they are just stupid thoughts, like....."that shadow looks so cool , I wonder if I used such and such colours and this size of canvas if I could recreate that and that reflection there, oooo, that would be cool in a painting...''.
I swear! I think of the most useless junk while my kids are babbling out the most adorable stories and then I snap back to present and realized that I missed the part where the frog got kissed by the princess and he is already a prince again!
Anyway, after all this I don't want you to be freaking out. We do have a lot of fun and I do have great moments and sometimes great days. It just seems that they are way better when there is consistantly great sleep and well it has now been 4 1/2 years since that has happened.
I am a little loopy.
And I know I think way too much too and maybe if I didn't I would be better off, who knows.
I don't know what else to say.
I guess I'll leave it here for now and go to bed.
Seems like a lousy ending but I am zonked and am fading.